The myth of The Moment
Why your dreams probably won’t be realized “all at once”
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You know the trope:
Everything was going badly…and then ONE FATEFUL DECISION changed everything!
We love a good turning point, us humans. Our story-oriented brains latch on to moments of dramatic reversal or high-stakes make-or-break decisions because that’s what makes a story exciting. It also gives us a sense of hope, optimism, and possibility, because at any second, we could do or say or ask for or decide one thing that makes all the difference.
Bam! Overnight success. Obvious genius. Instant, widespread praise.
Yeah, unfortunately, that’s not how it works most of the time. We overestimate the power of a single big moment and underestimate the power of all the little tiny recurring ones.
While I think this probably applies to a lot of aspects in our lives, I’m thinking specifically about this idea in realizing success in our careers and creative goals and ambitions. One thing I’ve noticed in our coaching engagements with Bonfire, in talking to mid-career folks on the spectrum of job and creative satisfaction, is that they rarely show up saying, “I know exactly what I want.” And even if they do, the thing they want usually isn’t on the other side of one single deciding moment!
Instead, they usually arrive with something much smaller—an instinct, a longing, a wish. A dissatisfaction with the way things are now, but not some crystal clear alternative. It’s a lot of:
“I can’t stop thinking about...”
“I keep envying...”
“I wish I had time for...”
“I’ve always wondered...”
“If I could do it all over…”
When we tell these success stories about other people’s careers or accomplishments, we tend to compress years of uncertainty, wishing, hoping, dreaming into a single, satisfying moment: the day we quit our awful job, the first meeting where the client said yes, the one post that went viral and got us the audience.
Yes, of course, there are “breakthroughs”…but what actually breaks through the castle gate isn’t the tippy top of the battering ram; it’s the whole huge tree trunk, swung by fifty people who just had to haul it over miles of muddy fields. Breaking through is never really a moment—it’s momentum!
We’re constantly hunting for the before-and-after, maybe because a moment feels like a simpler and more concrete thing to emulate than a lifetime of small, half-assed, regrettable, maybe reversed, circuitous, and otherwise unremarkable decisions that somehow got us to the successful place. (And this is to say nothing of luck, which we’ve talked about at length before!)
The real issue with waiting for, hoping for, counting on The Moment is that the wait becomes a trap. At worst, it becomes an excuse for inaction. At best, it masks the progress you are making, in smaller, more subtle ways. Perhaps putting all our eggs in The Moment’s basket is a way of protecting ourselves from the discomfort of beginning before we’re ready or from the disappointment of where we are today.
So how can you de-emphasize your search for The Moment? Here are some thought starters or journaling prompts to try:
1. What do I hope or believe is the “big moment” or major decision that would change my life?
Or complete the sentence: “Everything would be different if I finally...”
2. What do I secretly believe will happen once I’ve made it?
Or complete the sentence: “Once I ________, then I can finally...”
3. What kind of person would naturally make the decision I’m dreaming about?
If this is hard, maybe imagine: Who do they spend time with? What do they spend time doing? How do they feel about themselves?
4. What could I do on a daily or weekly basis to be more like the person I imagine would make this kind of decision?
Again, if you’re stuck, maybe brainstorm: What practices do they do? What relationships or skills do they cultivate?
You might notice a few things when answering these questions. You might how many things you’re expecting one decision to accomplish. You might appreciate how close (or not) you feel to being the kind of person who makes a big decision like the one you’re dreaming of. You might realize that you have no clue how to work toward the decision on a daily or weekly basis. All of that is good to know!
Over to you…
Have you had one of these “Moments That Changed It All”? Have you had stories like that, only to realize there was actually a long path that led to the big decision? We’d love to hear about it!
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