Hey friend, maybe you don’t really want that
How to listen to our inaction instead of judging it
Hi there! You’re reading the Bonfire newsletter from Kevan Lee & Shannon Deep. Each week, we highlight learnings from our experience as in-house marketers turned agency owners who think a lot about creativity, our relationship to work, and how all of that impacts our identities. We’ll also feature insights from our digital community of super smart folks (which you’re welcome to join).
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A few months ago, I wrote a post called “Wherever you go, there you are.” It was about how we don’t actually want things—achievements, money, milestones, goods, relationships—but rather the feelings that we (often mistakenly) believe accompany those things.
This is the spiritual corollary of that post.
Rather than examine whether or not we’re chasing an inherently ephemeral feeling, I want to talk about how often our frustration with our inability to pursue what we want is maaaaaybe not really a lack of discipline, motivation, skill, dedication, or talent.
It’s not that we’re “unequipped” for the promotion, the relationship, the artistic achievement. It could just be that, deep down, we don’t actually want that thing at all.
Our resistance and inaction aren’t always failings; they could be powerful signs from our minds and bodies that we’re not being authentic in our desires.
(And if you want some gentle practice tapping into that authenticity, join us for our next retreat in April!)
Our default story about inaction
Pick a goal, any goal that you’re struggling to take action on. Could be getting in shape, waking up earlier, being more organized at work, advancing on a creative project… Whatever! When we fail to make meaningful progress or our efforts and interventions don’t stick, we have some culturally dictated scripts for how we interpret what’s happening. We tell ourselves one or all of the following:
I’m lazy.
I lack discipline.
I’m afraid.
I’m not good enough.
I’m self-sabotaging.
These stories are sticky because those of us operating in Westernized business norms are steeped in Productivity Culture and its dear, even-more-toxic friends, Moralization of Effort, Effort = Success, and Capitalism Is a Meritocracy. Put differently, we believe that we should be productive, that working hard toward something is inherently morally “good” behavior, that how successful we are will be a direct result of how hard we try, and that the system rewards excellence so if we are not rewarded, we are not excellent.
At best, this reasoning is incomplete. At worst, it’s dangerous for your mental health.
What happens when we believe those stories about ourselves, when we let Mr. Productivity Culture and his gang of thugs push us around? The shame we feel about not succeeding replaces any curiosity we might have about why we’re not succeeding. And then we double down instead of reassessing.
Inaction is information
We’ve talked before about how anger is great information, letting you know that one of your values has been violated. Jealousy is also incredible insight, because it points you toward what you really want.
Inaction is also information worth paying attention to.
Yes, of course, sometimes inaction does boil down to a temporary friction you can overcome, like a gap in skills you can learn, uncertainty or discomfort that wears off as you become more familiar, or a stutter-start habit you can encode with more reps. But the kind of inaction I’m talking about is chronic resistance to something, no matter how many different ways you keep trying, no matter how much time you give it.
Chronic resistance to something you say you desire might actually be signaling:
This is misaligned with my values. Something about the process or outcome actually violates ideals you hold dear.
This goal is “borrowed” from someone else. A parent, a boss, a spouse, or a status script (“Successful people do [X]!”) has told you that you want this. Basically, a goal from anyone other than you!
I’ve outgrown the identity that wanted this. Maybe this achievement is what 20-year-old you wanted. Maybe it’s something you-before-therapy wanted. Maybe it’s the result of a survival strategy that has outlived its usefulness. It used to be authentic or necessary, but now it’s just a leftover.
There’s an invisible tradeoff that I’m unwilling to pay. You could have [goal]…but there’s a cost. You’ll achieve it, but lose something you subconsciously value more. And our sneaky little brains just won‘t let us do that!
I just want the feeling I believe comes with the goal. See this post! You’re looking in the wrong place if what you really want are feelings.
No matter the underlying reason for your chronic resistance, your nervous system is casting its vote on what motivates you or not. You might procrastinate endlessly or be unable to focus. It might show up as feelings of dread, fatigue, numbness, or self-imposed isolation. Motivation isn’t rational, and until you make the unconscious conscious, you’ll be working against your nervous system, which is a battle you don’t want!
Turn self-judgment into self-inquiry
Instead of self-flagellating and asking “Why can’t I just get it together?,” try asking the following questions and being as honest as you can:
What do I believe this goal will give me?
What is more important to me than this? What wouldn’t I sacrifice to get it?
Who would I disappoint if I admitted I don’t want this anymore?
If no one were watching, would I still choose this?
If I were to start my [career, relationship, education, etc.] over again from scratch, would I still choose this?
You might be less attached to your goals than you think!
But resistance doesn’t always mean stop
I want to avoid the oversimplification that resistance automatically means that something isn’t an “authentic desire.” There are lots of “legit” challenges and barriers inherent in almost any pursuit. Those types of challenges can build resilience and teach us how to be people who thrive in achievement, rather than viewing achievement as the end in and of itself. Don’t wish all friction away!
Some signs that your toughest goals are still worth pursuing:
Your curiosity and enthusiasm survive, even when confidence flags or progress wanes.
Engaging in effort toward the goal is energizing, not draining. Effort might feel heavy before, but elating after.
The resistance lessens with clarity or support.
The resistance changes; it’s not just the same roadblock again and again and again.
The relief of letting go
We have utterly pathologized quitting—as if everything in your life is supposed to just go on forever, despite internal and external context changes. That’s (relatable) lunacy.
Anecdotally, some of the very best things in my life only had the room to be there because I’d quit something else—jobs, relationships, locations, sports, majors, you name it! I’m willing to bet that you could think of times in your own life, too, where quitting or letting go of something ushered in something better.
That doesn’t mean that letting go of a goal just feels like all rainbows and sunshine, spaciousness and relief. Likely, when you admit you don’t really want something anymore, you’ll also feel a great deal of fear, uncertainty, and grief.
But needing to mourn a road not taken doesn’t mean that you’ve missed your “true” path.
Quitting, in these cases, is an act of discernment, not a weakness of character. Letting go frees energy for more authentic desires. Inaction and lack of discipline aren’t the problem if the desire is misaligned in the first place. So take your inaction as an invitation to renegotiate your goals, update your identity, and choose differently—on purpose.
Want to explore your authentic desires with a creative twist?
Join us in France in April for our next retreat!
Wanna hang out in person?
New retreat dates are up! Head to our experiences page to join our next one in April 2026.
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If you need help with brand strategy and storytelling, fractional brand and marketing leadership, and bringing your brand strategy to life in impactful ways, send us an email at hello@aroundthebonfire.com to get in touch.
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