69. How to set creative goals without wanting to set yourself on fire

Aligning your goals and values to get where you actually want to go

Jan 31, 2025

One of the more transformational pieces of advice I’ve ever gotten in my life was to set goals based on how I want to feel, not what I want to do.

Because, waaaay deep down, accomplishing goals is actually about feelings, isn’t it? You want to do X, because it will make you feel Y. And Y could be almost anything, like proud or important or loved or impactful or validated or appreciated or belonging or like you’ve finally shown those assholes back home just how far you’ve come!!! (You know…just for example.)

If we aren’t being really mindful, these drives and ambitions give orders from the murky depths of our unconscious, and we’re none the wiser. We think we want a new job, but really what we want is to feel purposeful again. We think we want to be in a relationship, but really what we want is to feel deeply witnessed by another person.

If you could feel the same amount of support from making one new friend as you could if you hit 100,000 followers on Instagram, you’d probably choose to make the friend, right? If you could feel just as attractive as you are right now as you could after 6 months on an intense diet and exercise regime, you’d probably skip the gym. But we don’t usually think about the underlying feelings so much. We think about the thing or the accolade or the milestone because we believe it will give us the feelings we want and need.

I say “we believe it will,” because the problem with humans is that we’re actually really, really bad at predicting what will make us feel a certain way. (See also: this and this.) Plus, we’re constantly fighting against cultural and social programming that tells us that doing X = feeling Y, as if there’s some kind of universal equation for meaning and fulfillment. (Because one-size-fits-all dreams are a lot easier to monetize and sell to people! Companies get rich by selling sexy cars and plastic surgery and single family detached houses, not by encouraging you to look within yourself and around you at your community for ways to meet your emotional needs that don’t cost shit.)

So we chase goals, achieve them, then wonder why we still feel the same. Or we chase goals, fail to achieve them, and then suffer believing we’ll never feel differently until we succeed. All the while, we’re unknowingly going after the wrong stuff. It’s a trap until we understand the underlying feelings we want and what will really give us those feelings.

Goal-setting becomes particularly thorny when it comes to artistic and creative goals. (I’ve talked about redefining success for your creative goals before, so that’s a good companion post to this one if you’re interested in this topic.) Artistic and creative pursuits are about self-expression, which (technically) has nothing to do with how those pursuits are received or perceived. But where most people derive meaning from self-expression is its ability to connect us to others, and that’s a super noble goal! So…what? You’re supposed to not care about that?

No. Of course you care about that. But we live in a world where caring about that often supersedes the self-expression. You have to be able to care about it…healthily. With boundaries!

So let’s explore four strategies for setting meaningful, flexible creative goals that won’t leave you emotionally bereft.

1. Be outcome agnostic and process proud

I’m not going to pretend that this isn’t easier said than done, but it can really make a world of difference. If you center your goals around the way in which you do things—being intentional, operating with integrity, in collaboration with others, to a high standard of quality—you have (nearly) complete control over achieving these things. On the other hand, once you start staking success on the outcome of your work—it makes X amount of money, it gets Y amount of attention—you’re tying your emotional health and fulfillment to the whims of the world.

Why strap yourself to a permanent roller coaster that everyone else but you can control?

2. Frame goals around experiences

Piggybacking off of the idea that your goals should be outcome agnostic, another way to think about it is to frame them around experiences you desire or need rather than achievements you chase. So for example, your goal could be “write for 15 minutes a day” or “attend one creative retreat per year” instead of “write a short story collection” or “sign 3 clients through networking.”

Goaling yourself on experiences that bring fun and curiosity to your life is another great way to go about it, like “experiment with three new [whatevers] this month.” Some people even frame their goals around negative experiences, like “get rejected 100 times this year.” How empowering is that?! (I’ve heard that goals like this are actually really hard, because people find that when they put themselves out there and start asking/applying/pitching, they end up getting more yeses than they thought!)

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3. Regularly check in and adjust

A goal can be a goal for a minute or a day or a season or your whole life. Just ask my sports-obsessed little brother about the one glorious day 10-year-old me decided I wanted to be in the WNBA and I asked him, to his delight, to train me. Turns out, I just wanted the feeling of being a powerful woman, and I “quit” the next day. (He is now a professional athlete. I type into the internet for a living.)

Why not decouple the idea of success from achieving something that you might not actually even care about or want to do anymore? What’s the point of doing something just to say you’ve done it once it’s lost its appeal? Regularly check in on the things you want to do and make sure you’re pursuing them with intention. Believe it or not, there is no cosmic retribution for changing your mind, wanting something different, and altering your course. (And if you’re unsure if you should change goals or just take a breath first, read about how to tell if you should rally or rest.)

4. Check for values alignment

A great way to dissect your goals to figure out the emotional needs fussing underneath them is to ask yourself, “What do I believe it says about me if I achieve this? And what do I believe it says about me if I don’t?” (And maybe get your therapist on standby to discuss what you uncover.)

If you find yourself coming up with things like “If I achieve this, I believe I will finally earn respect” or “If I don’t achieve this, I believe I’m lazy and untalented,” then ask yourself if those statements align with the way you view others in your life and the world at large.

In other words, do you apply those same value judgments to anyone else except you, or do you think, for example, that people are worthy of love and respect regardless of what they achieve? Do you think people who engage with their creative work, find joy and meaning in it, but never get the milestone or the accolade are lazy and untalented? If you’re reading this newsletter, I’m guessing the answers to those questions are “yes” and “no” respectively!

Over to you…

Ultimately, setting creative goals doesn’t have to mean pressure, stress, or failure. It’s about progress, curiosity, and self-compassion. We’d love to hear your own creative goals, or even one that you’ve struggled to reframe. We’re here to support!